About 6 years ago, I was in a car accident. The short version, is that according to many... it's a miracle that I am still here today. I blacked out while driving on Interstate 80. Apparently, per the kind-hearted people that stopped to help me, I swerved in my lane, then crossed over the median and into oncoming traffic, then swerved again back across into my lane then finally into the ditch. I woke up in a field of cattails. I had not hit anyone, nor had anyone hit me. Aside from being confused and shaken up, I was physically fine. We later also learned from the kind gentleman at the towing company, that he had no idea how I had not rolled my car at the angle I went into the ditch. I have since then said that if people are like cats in the whole 9 lives perspective, except with angels ~ I definitely used all mine that night.
After countless tests in cardiology, neurology and Lord only knows what else, the doctors could not find out a reason as to why I passed out. All I remember is not feeling well, and some numbness/tingling in my arms. I called Honey to tell him that I was going to pull over at the next exit & rest a bit. I rolled down the window for some air and that's it... cattails. After 2 years of testing, I was finally referred to a psychiatrist, who determined that I had had a panic attack. Excuse me!?! I had always felt anxious in certain situations, but most of them seemed normal ~ like giving a speech in front of the class in school, etc. but never to the point of breaking down with anxiety. As with most first sessions, you go through not only what brought you into his office that day but your entire life history as well. After answering countless questions about my childhood, teenage years, family and so forth ~ he diagnosed me with Generalized Panic and Anxiety Disorder. Which basically means, that while I may have a few certain triggers... I can have a panic attack at any time for no reason at all. To be honest, at the time I wasn't sure if I was finally relieved that I had a diagnosis or scared out of my mind for what was to come...
Jump ahead to today, after years of therapy, my list of disorders has grown. I have progressed from Generalized Panic and Anxiety Disorder to Severe Panic and Anxiety Disorder. I also added OCD, Germophobia ( I take at the very least 2 showers a day on top of constantly washing my hands or using hand sanititzer), Emetophobia (which is the fear of vomiting ~ I can now actually type the word & hear it spoken but anything past that, throws me over the edge), an Eating Disorder (due to my fear of getting sick I struggle to eat foods that aren't bland so that means I only eat bread, cheese, and things with little flavor), Social Phobia and finally Mild Depression.
Before I continue, I want to stress that by NO means am I sharing this to garner sympathy or special treatment. I'm hoping to bring about awareness and empathy towards a topic that many people suffer from but few actually understand. Mental illness has a stigma that follows it and too often it's not kindness that goes along with it. Believe me, I've heard it all...
"It's all in your head." "Why can't you just flip a "switch" and be normal?" "Oh you'll be fine, you just need to relax & not take things so seriously." "Seriously, you're washing your hands again!?! Didn't you just do that 5 minutes ago?" "I don't understand why you can't be how you used to be?" "I told my child to be extra nice to her child, because they have such a rough home life due to her mother's issues." The list goes on ...
First, I'll start out by saying, yes ~ I know it's "all in my head". That's the problem. The mind is a complex thing and even though you may realize that how you are reacting inwardly (or outwardly) is completely irrational, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop it. Once the panic sets in, it's very difficult to reign it in so to speak. Certain friends and family members have seen a glimpse of what it's like for me to go through an attack. But Honey is the only one who has witnessed the worst. We do our best to explain to the kids that Mommy isn't feeling well and keep the doors closed so that they do not see ~ but I know they hear and believe me it breaks my heart every time.
My body starts to shake uncontrollably, so hard that all my muscles tend to lock up (especially my legs). I can't breath, often hyperventilating to the point of passing out. The tightness in my chest is so powerful, that I have literally clawed at my chest so hard that I've left deep scratch marks and even drawn blood. I rock back and forth, constantly moving to try to "escape" the feeling of being trapped ~ often to the point of flailing about like an animal. I've even pulled out my own hair in attempts to make my brain just stop. And I cry ... because I want nothing more in the world than for it to stop so I can get some sort of relief. Yes, I do take medication regularly. And if I feel an attack coming on and can take my meds, it usually takes about 20 minutes for them to kick in. Believe me, we have clocked it. If by the 20 minute mark, things are not starting to calm down ~ the panic tends to become worse. Because, in my brain, I'm wondering "Why are they (the meds) not working?" The longest one lasted 3 hours, which resulted in Honey taking me to the ER where they were able to give me a shot to calm down and finally "make it stop". The next day is always hard. Because my muscles are so sore, it's difficult to move ~ let alone even get out of bed. I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck. Then the depression comes, because I so desperately want to be "normal". Worry less and enjoy life more not having to wonder when the next attack may come ... where I may be when it does & who will see it. I have missed a lot over the last years in my family's life because of my fears and insecurities. The guilt is often overwhelming.
If you know me, I may look "normal". I volunteer at the kid's school regularly, which may lead you to ask "How? and then Why?" .... I take a shower after every time I step foot through the front doors and often wear gloves. Plus I ALWAYS carry sanitizer in my pocket. But I do it because I truly do enjoy it. I want to be apart of my children's lives and activities, that I do my best to push through the internal struggles simply to just be there for them and be Mom. I want to be normal. But I have perfected what I call "the Mask". Even though I may look alright on the outside, I am screaming on the inside. It's exhausting to say the least.
Through therapy, I have learned deep breathing techniques, mental visualization, etc. But it it is very hard for me to "quiet" my mind. I started going to the gym about 2 years ago and found a personal trainer that is great! Exercise is key for dealing with stress and anxiety. That alone has helped tremendously. Honey & I took a few Hot Yoga classes this past summer, and loved it. But it wasn't until recently that I found something that has helped me the most ... an app called Calm. It's a meditation app that has several different options for anxiety, stress, happiness, focus, emotions, relationships and even sleep. I was hooked after my first session. There's a music section as well as sleep stories, that are great to help calm your mind as you are going to bed at night. I have been using Calm for about 3 weeks and have learned so much about being mindful of my thoughts, especially the negative ones. I am trying to be more present in the moment and not worry so much about all the things that are completely out of my control. If you struggle with anxiety or are simply looking for a way to unwind at the end of the day, I encourage you to download Calm. It's free for several of the applications, but if you like it you can purchase more for as little as $4.99 a month.
I also started a journal. It's called "Do One Thing Every Day That Centers You: a Mindfulness Journal by Robie Rogge and Dian G. Smith. Here's the overview from Barnes and Noble:
"A guide filled with advice and prompts for reflection, helping you appreciate your experiences and adding extra meaning to your life. Daily life is frenzied. We know we should slow down, but recognizing the opportunities to do so can be tough. This journal will guide you to appreciate the places, people, and experiences that give you peace to your mind, solace to your body, and meaning to your life. Throughout, sage advice from artists to athletes to business leaders along with suggested activities and reflections will help you be more present and aware. Record a year's worth of your daily intentions and introspections, and by the end you may even find the elusive center."
I realize that this was a very "Deep" post. And believe me when I say that I am scared to death to click the Publish button, but I knew that I need to do this. Not only for myself but for others that are struggling with things that not everyone sees. Mental illness is a disorder and yes it does affect my life and unfortunately the the lives of my family. But I am not going let it define who I am inside anymore, It's taken me 6 years to get to this place. Am I still going to have bad days? Of course. But my hope is that I can learn to be more mindful of how I am feeling and reacting, and to try and find little bits of peace each day. Then one day, down the road, I may finally find that I can be WHOLE again.
Thank you ~
N
Beautiful post! I love you sis.
ReplyDeleteI might need to download that Calm app myself:)