Kind and Generous

Once again I find myself staring at a blank screen.  I am truly at a loss for words.  When I clicked the Publish button on My Story, I had no idea what to expect.  I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to delete it immediately.  With something so personal, one never knows how it's going to be received ... good, bad or otherwise.  But the outpouring of love, support and kindness that I have received whether it was publicly posted, privately messaged or spoken face to face has been overwhelming.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.....

I not only thank you for myself and my family, but for all those who are struggling with their own personal issues.  Your comments & encouragement show us that NO ONE is ALONE.  Even though at times it may feel that way, there is most likely someone you know dealing with the same, if not similar issue.  I have never hidden that I have Panic/Anxiety, but I had never felt strong enough to speak out & talk about it to the depths that I did.  Lol... I still don't, even though it's all there in black & white.  

There's a quote that I try to live by ... "It costs nothing to be kind."  The world we live in can often be a scary, dark and unforgiving place.  But if we just take a minute to stop and think before we act or speak, I believe it will get better.  Kindness ... such a simple word but yet so very powerful.  

I was shown unbelievable kindness after posting My Story and I will never be able to express or convey how much it has meant to me.  I am truly blessed to know such amazing and wonderful people.  It's you who helped me to "be brave", "show courage" and "be strong".   Thank you!

My favorite flower is a Lily.  It has several meanings: humility, devotion, purity and rebirth (to name a few).  But to me ~ it's a symbol of love, kindness and the feeling that I am NEVER alone.  Someone is always watching out for me.  Over the past couple of days, you all have done so much for me by simply reading and understanding, not judging or criticizing that I want to give something back to you.  So while it may only be a picture, please take it  ~ as a symbol of my humble gratitude and know that you, too ... are NOT ALONE.

XOXO
N

My Story ... Living with Mental Illness

To date, this is likely the most challenging post I have ever written.  So much so, that I have been staring at a blank screen long enough that I almost had myself talked out of writing it.  But, you see it's been a message in my heart for so long, that it is time to put it into words.  So ... Deep Breath ... here it goes ...

About 6 years ago, I was in a car accident.  The short version, is that according to many... it's a miracle that I am still here today.  I blacked out while driving on Interstate 80.  Apparently, per the kind-hearted people that stopped to help me, I swerved in my lane, then crossed over the median and into oncoming traffic, then swerved again back across into my lane then finally into the ditch.  I woke up in a field of cattails.  I had not hit anyone, nor had anyone hit me.  Aside from being confused and shaken up, I was physically fine.  We later also learned from the kind gentleman at the towing company, that he had no idea how I had not rolled my car at the angle I went into the ditch.  I have since then said that if people are like cats in the whole 9 lives perspective, except with angels ~ I definitely used all mine that night.  

After countless tests in cardiology, neurology and Lord only knows what else, the doctors could not find out a reason as to why I passed out.  All I remember is not feeling well, and some numbness/tingling in my arms.  I called Honey to tell him that I was going to pull over at the next exit & rest a bit.  I rolled down the window for some air and that's it... cattails.  After 2 years of testing, I was finally referred to a psychiatrist, who determined that I had had a panic attack.  Excuse me!?!  I had always felt anxious in certain situations, but most of them seemed normal ~ like giving a speech in front of the class in school, etc.  but never to the point of breaking down with anxiety.  As with most first sessions, you go through not only what brought you into his office that day but your entire life history as well.  After answering countless questions about my childhood, teenage years, family and so forth ~ he diagnosed me with Generalized Panic and Anxiety Disorder.  Which basically means, that while I may have a few certain triggers... I can have a panic attack at any time for no reason at all.  To be honest, at the time I wasn't sure if I was finally relieved that I had a diagnosis or scared out of my mind for what was to come...

Jump ahead to today, after years of therapy, my list of disorders has grown.  I have progressed from Generalized Panic and Anxiety Disorder to Severe Panic and Anxiety Disorder.  I also added OCD, Germophobia ( I take at the very least 2 showers a day on top of constantly washing my hands or using hand sanititzer), Emetophobia (which is the fear of vomiting ~ I can now actually type the word & hear it spoken but anything past that, throws me over the edge), an Eating Disorder (due to my fear of getting sick I struggle to eat foods that aren't bland so that means I only eat bread, cheese, and things with little flavor), Social Phobia and finally Mild Depression.  

Before I continue, I want to stress that by NO means am I sharing this to garner sympathy or special treatment.  I'm hoping to bring about awareness and empathy towards a topic that many people suffer from but few actually understand.  Mental illness has a stigma that follows it and too often it's not kindness that goes along with it.  Believe me, I've heard it all...
     "It's all in your head."  "Why can't you just flip a "switch" and be normal?"  "Oh you'll be fine, you just need to relax & not take things so seriously."  "Seriously, you're washing your hands again!?!  Didn't you just do that 5 minutes ago?"  "I don't understand why you can't be how you used to be?"  "I told my child to be extra nice to her child, because they have such a rough home life due to her mother's issues."  The list goes on ...

First, I'll start out by saying, yes ~ I know it's "all in my head".  That's the problem.  The mind is a complex thing and even though you may realize that how you are reacting inwardly (or outwardly) is completely irrational, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop it.   Once the panic sets in, it's very difficult to reign it in so to speak.  Certain friends and family members have seen a glimpse of what it's like for me to go through an attack.  But Honey is the only one who has witnessed the worst.  We do our best to explain to the kids that Mommy isn't feeling well and keep the doors closed so that they do not see ~ but I know they hear and believe me it breaks my heart every time.    

My body starts to shake uncontrollably, so hard that all my muscles tend to lock up (especially my legs).  I can't breath, often hyperventilating to the point of passing out.  The tightness in my chest is so powerful, that I have literally clawed at my chest so hard that I've left deep scratch marks and even drawn blood.  I rock back and forth, constantly moving to try to "escape" the feeling of being trapped ~ often to the point of flailing about like an animal.  I've even pulled out my own hair in attempts to make my brain just stop.  And I cry ... because I want nothing more in the world than for it to stop so I can get some sort of relief.  Yes, I do take medication regularly.  And if I feel an attack coming on and can take my meds, it usually takes about 20 minutes for them to kick in.  Believe me, we have clocked it.  If by the 20 minute mark, things are not starting to calm down ~ the panic tends to become worse.  Because, in my brain, I'm wondering "Why are they (the meds) not working?"  The longest one lasted 3 hours, which resulted in Honey taking me to the ER where they were able to give me a shot to calm down and finally "make it stop".  The next day is always hard.  Because my muscles are so sore, it's difficult to move ~ let alone even get out of bed.  I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck.  Then the depression comes, because I so desperately want to be "normal".  Worry less and enjoy life more not having to wonder when the next attack may come ... where I may be when it does & who will see it.  I have missed a lot over the last years in my family's life because of my fears and insecurities.  The guilt is often overwhelming.  

If you know me, I may look "normal".  I volunteer at the kid's school regularly, which may lead you to ask "How? and then Why?" .... I take a shower after every time I step foot through the front doors and often wear gloves.  Plus I ALWAYS carry sanitizer in my pocket.  But I do it because I truly do enjoy it.  I want to be apart of my children's lives and activities, that I do my best to push through the internal struggles simply to just be there for them and be Mom.  I want to be normal.  But I have perfected what I call "the Mask".  Even though I may look alright on the outside, I am screaming on the inside.  It's exhausting to say the least.

Through therapy, I have learned deep breathing techniques, mental visualization, etc.  But it it is very hard for me to "quiet" my mind.  I started going to the gym about 2 years ago and found a personal trainer that is great!  Exercise is key for dealing with stress and anxiety.  That alone has helped tremendously.  Honey & I took a few Hot Yoga classes this past summer, and loved it.  But it wasn't until recently that I found something that has helped me the most ... an app called Calm.  It's a meditation app that has several different options for anxiety, stress, happiness, focus, emotions, relationships and even sleep.  I was hooked after my first session.  There's a music section as well as sleep stories, that are great to help calm your mind as you are going to bed at night.  I have been using Calm for about 3 weeks and have learned so much about being mindful of my thoughts, especially the negative ones.  I am trying to be more present in the moment and not worry so much about all the things that are completely out of my control.  If you struggle with anxiety or are simply looking for a way to unwind at the end of the day, I encourage you to download Calm.  It's free for several of the applications, but if you like it you can purchase more for as little as $4.99 a month.  

I also started a journal.  It's called "Do One Thing Every Day That Centers You: a Mindfulness Journal by Robie Rogge and Dian G. Smith.  Here's the overview from Barnes and Noble:

"A guide filled with advice and prompts for reflection, helping you appreciate your experiences and adding extra meaning to your life.  Daily life is frenzied.  We know we should slow down, but recognizing the opportunities to do so can be tough.  This journal will guide you to appreciate the places, people, and experiences that give you peace to your mind, solace to your body, and meaning to your life.  Throughout, sage advice from artists to athletes to business leaders along with suggested activities and reflections will help you be more present and aware. Record a year's worth of your daily intentions and introspections, and by the end you may even find the elusive center."

I realize that this was a very "Deep" post.  And believe me when I say that I am scared to death to click the Publish button, but I knew that I need to do this.  Not only for myself but for others that are struggling with things that not everyone sees.  Mental illness is a disorder and yes it does affect my life and unfortunately the the lives of my family.  But I am not going let it define who I am inside anymore,  It's taken me 6 years to get to this place.  Am I still going to have bad days?  Of course.  But my hope is that I can learn to be more mindful of how I am feeling and reacting, and to try and find little bits of peace each day.  Then one day, down the road, I may finally find that I can be WHOLE again.    

Thank you ~ 
N

Updated and EXTENDED ~ 40 x 43 "Riding the Ocean Waves of Life"

As the day of my 42nd birthday draws near, I once again wonder "Where has the time gone?"  When I made this list of goals almost 2 years ago, I was sure I would see the words COMPLETED next to each one.  Unfortunately, I didn't take into consideration time, scheduling conflicts, life changes and all the curve balls that seem to have been thrown my way over the last year.  But I decided that I will not give up.  Just because I didn't complete them all in the 2 years I had originally planned, doesn't mean that I still can't push forward and continue.  Sure there are often time constraints on meeting deadlines, etc but that's not the case when it comes to one's life goals.  It's not the time it takes to complete them, but the journey you take to get there & be able to say "I did it."  So having said that, I have not only extended my time frame but I have also changed a few.  Goals, just like us, are always changing and evolving.  So here's my current/new list of 40 x 43 goals.  I hope that you will continue to follow along with me as I work toward these experiences and challenges.  I look forward to sharing some of them with you along the way.  

1.  Finish our 50 States Dinners - IN PROGRESS
2.  Train to run/walk a Disney themed Marathon - Completed 1/7/18
3.  Observe sea turtles hatching in their natural environment & head out to sea - Completed 8/10/16
4.  Finish the basement remodel ~ we have lived in this house for 16 years and that area has always been the bane of my existence! - Completed but always evolving
5.  Take dance classes with Honey - Completed and on-going  :)
6.  Open an Etsy store for scrapbooking, paper products and party supplies ~ this has been a dream of mine for years! - IN PROGRESS
7.  Go ice skating ~  I know this sounds weird coming from a girl who prefers the warm sun & sand to the ice & snow, but I think it will be a fun thing to do with the family
8.  Remodel/Redecorate L's room ~ he is in major need of an upgrade to a teenage style room!! - Completed 9/18/17
9.  Have a facial ~ I have always wanted to learn more about skin care & I just happen to have a friend who is an amazing esthetician. - Completed 7/17 & Fell in love ... now I get one every 5 weeks
10.  Complete our wedding scrapbook ~ you'd think after 15 years I'd have that one done by now, nope!
11.  Have professional family photographs taken - Completed 8/9/16
12.  Host an amazingly themed backyard party ~ finally put some of those Pinterest pins to good use!
13.  Have a classic movie marathon with Honey: Casablanca, Singing in the Rain & Breakfast at Tiffany's ~ yes, he has agreed to this ahead of time :) - Casablanca = check! "Here's looking at you kid." - Singing in the Rain = check!  "Gotta Dance!"
14.  Attend the Nutcracker Ballet - Completed 12/10/16
15.  Redesign our backyard landscaping ~ Honey is thinking a mini beach area, but we will have to see if we can pull it off 
16.  Participate in NAMI walk (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
17.  Create/ Paint a "Masterpiece" at a local art studio
18.  Watch the sunrise on the beach - Completed 8/10/16 and 11/13/16
19.  Learn to meditate and be more present in the moment, enjoying life and all it has to offer.  As a society, we are always on the go... moving from one thing to the next that we often forget to stop and just be.  I want to slow down and take the time to breathe in life's adventures. - IN PROGRESS
20.  Remodel/ Redecorate our bedroom.  It's time to get rid of the brown walls & give it that coastal, relaxing vibe I love so much.
21.  Attend a Broadway show ~ Phantom of the Opera is my first choice, but I have several on my list to see
22.  Take a vacation to Charleston & Savannah
23.  Take a yoga class - Completed 7/14/17 ... Hot Yoga = Amazing!  Continuing to practice
24.  Learn to make the "perfect"  Disney themed caramel apples ~ just like the ones you find at the parks...Yum Yum!
25.  Attend another Florida Georgia Line concert ~ they are our favorite group & we LOVE to see them live!  - Completed ...Not remotely embarassed to say we saw them 4 times last year, ending with the Concerts of all Concerts = FGL, Nelly and the Backstreet Boys at WRIGLEY FIELD!!!!
26.  Learn how to make TRUE Southern Sweet Tea - Completed 7/23/16
27.  Take a photography class to learn how to utilize the Manual setting on my camera & expand on my current skills
28.  Become a certified Yoga instructor 
29.  Spend Spring Break 2017 at Disney ~ no shock here that we are already planning our next trip back - Completed 3/12/17 thru 3/18/17
30.  Learn how to make grits ~we simply cannot move South one day without me not knowing how to make this staple food
31.  Complete the QC Half Marathon ~ even if I have to walk some ... definitely not going for record time, just to cross the finish line
32.  Put $xxx in our savings account - IN PROGRESS
33.  Attend Maks & Val - Live on Tour ~ I am a die hard Dancing with the Stars fan & these two are my absolute favorite professionals!  Not going to lie, when Honey gave me these tickets for Mother's Day, I literally squealed with excitement!  I have the best husband EVER!!! - Completed 7/29/16
34.  Share my story of living with Mental Illness - Completed 1/29/18
35.  Try one new food a week ~ this correlates to #34 - IN PROGRESS
36.  Remaster the ability to French Braid hair ~ I do not have a working tendon in my left thumb due to a not smart moment on my part, so the dexterity is not there.  Therefore, braiding and a lot of other fun hairstyles for Miss B & myself have proven difficult.  - IN PROGRESS
37.  Pay it forward/ Not-so-Random-Act of Kindness ~ We have always wanted to do something for those less fortunate to show/teach the kids the value of the things they have and to remind them the importance of helping others when they can.
38.  Finish organizing the kitchen pantry closet ~ I started it about 8 months ago & it drives me crazy that I haven't completed it as of yet.  The ideas are all there, I just need to do it. - Completed 1-21-18
39.  Re-read and watch the Harry Potter books & movies as a family ~ there may be a hidden agenda behind this one.  I would love to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando, but it doesn't seem right to go without everyone knowing the back story behind what is sure to be an amazing experience!! - IN PROGRESS
40.  Celebrate the accomplishment of completing this list in style!


XOXO
N

Salad Dressing with the Stars

For those of you that know me, or have visited here before, know that I am a huge Dancing with the Stars fan!  I have been hooked since Season 1.  There are a lot of very talented pro- dancers, but one of my favorites is Sharna Burgess.  She is not only an extremely talented choreographer and dancer, but she's got such a kind, generous and positive nature about her.  Very inspirational!  I have followed her on Instagram for quite some time ... her "Random Ramblings" Instastories are hilarious!  Anyway, when she announced that she was starting her own blog, I was beyond excited.  :)  If you are a Dancing with the Stars fan or just looking for a new, fabulous blog to read ~ head on over to sharnaburgess.com.  You won't be disappointed!

Recently, she posted a recipe for her homemade Go-To Salad Dressing.  It looked super simple and delicious.  Now if you are like 99% of the population who made a New Year's Resolution to eat healthier, than you have got to try this.  Honey & I are included in that 99% by the way, so we decided to make it last night for dinner.  I am delighted to say that IT WAS AMAZING!!  Even the kids tried it!  :)  

The ingredients are the following:

• 3 tablespoons Balsamic Vinegar (I substituted white wine vinegar)
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 teaspoon of honey
• 1/2 cup olive oil (I was out, so I substituted vegetable oil instead)
• salt & pepper to taste

Whisk the first 5 ingredients in a medium bowl to blend.  Then, gradually whisk in the oil.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.  It can be prepared up to 8 hours in advance.  Cover and chill.  (I made it about an hour ahead of time) Let stand at room temperature for 15 minutes & rewhisk before serving.  Makes about 3/4 cup.

According to Sharna, this dressing is great on so many different kinds of salads.  I choose to make one using your basic iceberg lettuce, carrots, cucumber, mushrooms, grape tomatoes and garbanzo beans. 

Time to add the dressing ...  :)

Honey also baked chicken breasts that he had marinated in lemon juice and poppy seeds.  I sliced mine up and added it to the salad to make a delicious and healthy meal.  

Yum!!!!  It was a super simple Sunday night dinner that the whole family enjoyed.  Not to mention, since it was packed full of healthy vegetables and protein .... I was able to justify eating a Coconut Pecan cookie for dessert.  :)  (Don't even get me started on those!!! Oh-My-Goodness!)

Thank you Miss Sharna for a new GO-TO recipe!  And for helping Honey and I keep our New Year's Resolution going .... minus the cookie, of course.  (I just couldn't resist!)

Happy Monday!

XOXO

N

*This is not a paid ad.  The opinions and comments are my own**

Where in the World Did 2017 Go?

Happy New Year!  I trust this all finds you happy, healthy and welcoming in 2018 with open arms.  As I sat today & relaxed with my family after the craziness that is the month of December, I found myself wondering where on earth did 2017 go??  

I know that I for one cannot be the only one who feels this way, but each year seems to fly by faster and faster.  And each year I promise to slow down to enjoy it more but then find myself right back where I am today wondering how yet another year has passed.  We did not get around to sending out Christmas cards this year, nor do I usually include a letter but if I did it may have read something like this...

2017 has been quite a year for the D family.  Like most of you, our lives seem to be in constant motion.  Being as I am still "old-school",  I carry around a planner the size of most college textbooks just to keep everything straight & even then still manage to miss things here and there.  

In January, C was accepted into the Disney College Internship program and spent his Spring semester working at Hollywood Studios.  You can only imagine how proud & excited we were for him.  It was an amazing opportunity and one that taught him a lot!!  He continued to finish up his last few courses online while in Florida, and flew home the beginning of May to become a 2017 Graduate of the University of Northern Iowa.  To say we are proud of him, doesn't even begin to express it.  He is currently living in Nebraska working for a respected company in his field of Human Resources.  And while for the last 22 years, Honey has been a constant presence in C's life ... raising him and treating him as if he was his own....  in November, it became official when he legally adopted C as his son.  :)

L continues to amaze us with his musical abilities.  As a Freshman in High School, he not only sings in choir, but was also accepted into the school's Prep Show Choir!  He's truly following in his brother's footsteps.  He continues to play the tuba in band, which was definitely the BIGGEST transition from Middle School ... Marching Band & a "50 pound" sousaphone (I don't think it's truly that heavy but he swears it is).  He also surprised us all by asking a friend to Homecoming this Fall.  Keep in mind this kid has NEVER wanted to go to a dance before in his life!!  So for him to come home from school and very casually mention that he asked a girl to Homecoming, you can only imagine the looks on our faces.  AND he did it in the most adorable way (because we all know that you can no longer just walk up to a person and simply ask them to a dance ~ it has to be an elaborate production of sorts)  He wrote her a poem.  :)  "Star light, Star Bright, Will you be my Date on Homecoming Night?"  (Melts my heart)   He's our shy one, so this was huge!  

Miss B just turned 10.  As the only girl, she continually keeps us on our toes.  She has officially traded in her soccer cleats for ballet slippers, tap shoes, jazz/ lyrical shoes, musical theater facial expressions (all you dance moms know what that means) and of course her favorite ~ hip hop sassiness.  This Fall, she also added tumbling to her repertoire.  Each week she comes home so excited to show us what she has learned!  Her abilities have improved so much in the last 6 months.  Our girl LOVES to Dance!  She's also doing very well in school and is on Student Council.  I swear every time I blink my eyes, she grows up just a little more.

And if all that wasn't enough, we adopted Miss Savannah Marie.  At 6 months old, she's still quite the puppy.  :)  I've said it before & I will say it again ... it's like childbirth.  You forget all the difficulty of labor, etc as soon as you see that beautiful little face but then when it comes time to go through it again with the next one, you say to yourself "Oh, wait a minute!  I forgot about this part!!!!!"  When we saw that tiny ball of fur in the pet store, I was by no means thinking about teething marks on my furniture, stealing socks from the laundry hamper or potty training (especially in below zero temps!!)  But we love her and are so glad that she has joined our family.

SO, if your still with me ... 2017 has been quite a year.  Honey and I are just trying to keep up.  LOL!  We are looking forward to all the things that 2018 has to offer.  Lots of love, lots of laughs and a lot more of life ...  if only we can slow it down just a little bit this year.   :)

Happy New Year Everyone!

XOXO
N